Nincompoop Corner: Internet Dating Edition

October 6, 2011

People (read: my boyfriend) often ask me why I still check my OkCupid account, given that I’ve been in a relationship for three years.  Honestly, it is out of boredom 87% of the time.  My other social networking sites offer little to nothing in the way of consistent interaction with others, but despite my status as “seeing someone” and “unavailable” on OKC, I still get at least one fairly entertaining message in my inbox every day.  A man who calls himself jitlove from scenic Ahmadabad, India contacts me once a week with charming correspondence like “hiiiiiiii (sic),” “hi how r u (sic)” and “hi (sic).”  tony4ny also asks “hi how r u (sic)” on a regular basis, and he likes to follow up with “hi howcome (sic) no news? reply when you get the chance pretty.”  Note that the messages rarely change in content, spelling, punctuation or number of i’s; they know the power of copy and paste.  I don’t mind them sending me things- the beautiful part of internet dating is that rejection never has to occur face to face and can be done silently.  I’ve never felt an urge to reply to anything until a few days ago, when I received not one, not two but THREE emails in one day, including this one:

From: rangershockey


“it’s funny how you don’t show off the cute picture of you with bangs but you prefer the less attractive ones of you with the balding forehead.  weird…”


My bff from San Francisco was visiting when I received this little love note, and when he read it aloud he immediately exclaimed “that is the rudest thing I’ve ever said to you!”  Without thinking, I penned a quick response that reads as follows:


“Wow, if this is your attempt to be funny or charming, you have failed completely.  That is one of the most insulting things anyone has ever said to me on OKCupid, and in life!  Thanks for that, asshole.  Go fuck yourself.”


Rangershockey should not have been dignified with a response, I know.  But seriously, this dude needed to be told what’s what.  Upon perusal of his profile, I discovered that he is an Indian kid from Long Island who is pursuing a doctoral degree (original!).  He doesn’t care for the Beatles, insists that he has strong family ties and also likes to note that he’s “pretty smart.”  None of this explained his flagrant use of the tried and true neg.   (By tried and true I of course mean completely idiotic.)  Nowhere did he mention that he was an ardent disciple of The Game.  His photos didn’t contain one single peacock get-up.  So what gives, rangershockey?  What is the point in insulting a stranger?  I will never find this out, since telling someone to go fuck himself is not a great way to garner a response or start intelligent dialogue.


The “You should message me if” blurb on his profile shines the most light on what I assume to be rangershockey’s overall attitude toward women.  It is pretty benign at first read.  Here it is in full:


“You should message me if

– you enjoy somewhat intelligent discussion

– you like hockey/sports

– you can think.

– You do not live with family of any sort (but you’re still family oriented)

– You have a career plan starting to take fruition.”


Sure, we all want someone who is a good conversator, and someone who is…conscious?  That “you can think” thing is throwing me for a loop, now that I think about it.  (Man, I guess I’m one of those people who is capable of thought!  Turns out I’m PERFECT for rangershockey!)  But it implies that this pompous 24 year-old (did I mention he’s twenty-fucking-four?) believes that people in general, and women specifically, are kind of stupid.  He’s willing to deign to SOMEWHAT intelligent conversation, even, since thinkers who can have COMPLETELY intelligent conversations are really hard to come by.  Why else would anyone feel the need to specify these things in an internet dating profile?  It is impossible that even a small majority of ladies that this guy has met are comatose idiots.  I wholeheartedly believe that our young friend is sitting at his computer laughing at himself and saying “I bet if I tell these women they look great in some pictures but are balding in others, they’ll come a-flockin’!  Negging rules ’cause girls fall for anything!”


Okay, clearly this kid got under my skin but COME ON.  Learn some damn manners, internet users!


Confidential to rangershockey: stop trying to grow a mustache, child.  It looks like you rubbed a combination of shit and ash on your face.



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