Reenee, M.D.: Date Doctor

May 20, 2011

I’ve been out of the dating game for quite some time now.  It feels pretty great to be in a mostly-stable, committed relationship with a dude whose company I genuinely enjoy, and the icing on the cake is that for the time being, I do not have to participate in the time-honored, completely horrific social ritual of the first date.  I can content myself with watching on the sidelines while my roommates and friends fret over what to wear, where to go and how drunk it is appropriate to get, all while having a hearty chuckle and offering my “expert” advice.

It is pretty laughable that people even ask for my opinions in the first place, given that I suck at dating and when I am forced to do it, I become a complete crazy person.  My knowledge of men boils down to “talk to them about comic books and they think it’s hot,” while my woman brain is corrupted by that single man fact and years of having only 3 female friends at any given time.  Anytime someone asks me if they should text or call someone they like, my answer is invariably “do you want to?  Then do it?  You don’t want to?  Don’t!”  As for meeting people, here are some simple guidelines to follow, according to no one but me:

  • See someone you like?  Go introduce yourself to this person!  Find common interests and expand on them in a charming manner.  Does this seem intimidating?  If yes, make eyes at this person from across the room/bar/club until they notice.  They will either reciprocate, or they will move so that the crazy person staring at them will stop.
  • Note that this is not effective with bartenders since making eye contact with them binds you into a social contract to order more drinks.  To wit, if your love interest is a bartender you’ll probably get really wasted really fast all the time.  In this situation, tip generously and offer to make out with them in a corner after they get off, but only after several nights (or days, whatever) of sitting at a good spot at his or her place of work, unaccompanied by your friends.  That part is important as it guarantees he or she will talk to you because you seem like a sad, lonely alcoholic.  In my experience this always (never) works.
  • Interested in a good friend?  Constantly sit next to them in all social situations.  This person might have a significant other who they will probably complain about sometimes.  Latch on to all negative comments and inflate them until you turn their partner into an undateable troll.  Then, get drunk and offer to make out with your friend in a corner in an effort to pick up the pieces.
  • If all of these things fail, find the one person you hate more than anyone else and wait until the moment you discover that he or she is actually your soul mate.  This will only happen after you are inextricably thrown together in some humorous situations involving broken-down cars, animal mishaps, and parties where you are forced to dance with each other or kiss during a game of spin the bottle.

And that’s how you find love folks.  It’s science.

As you can see, I am an expert in the world of dating.  While discussing the intricacies of single life with my lady roommate the other night, I was pleasantly (read: embarrassingly) reminded of a few of my first date misadventures, three of which I would like to share with you over the next few days.  In all situations, names have been changed or omitted, not in an effort to protect the gentlemen in question, but because I forget what they were called.  Well, all except one guy because his name is funny.  I will present them in chronological order so you can easily chart my descent into madness.

Tale 1: In Which Our heroine Unwittingly Dates a Non-Drinking Possible Dwarf, Acts Pretty Terrible

Early in my dating life during the summer of 2008, I jumped headfirst into the Internet because I did not know how to meet men in real life, or IRL as the kids are saying these days.  It was fun getting messages every day and it was way less scary to approach people with relative anonymity online than it was at bars and parties.  A fellow whose name I will never remember sent me a funny message about comic books, and heeding my previous advice, I wooed him with my knowledge of Alan Moore and we set up a date.  After a particularly crap day at a particularly crap temp job, I was stoked to have dinner and a cocktail with a nice fellow at a tasty restaurant.  It is important to note here, at the beginning, that he listed his height on OK Cupid as 5’7″.  Upon meeting him, I discovered that he was my height.  I’M NOT EVEN 5 FEET TALL.  Seriously, did he think no one would notice?  That is nearly a foot off.  In an attempt to be the bigger (ha!) person, I persevered instead of running like the wind.  We sat down and I ordered a martini immediately, while the fellow ordered a Coca-Cola.  No matter, I thought.  He was probably trying to take it easy being that we had never met in person.

I asked him what he did for fun and he said he stayed home and played video games.  This is not exactly an ideal trait in a prospective romantic interest, but I was willing to look past that too.  When asked about the bars he frequented, he replied “I only go to Barcade since there are video games there and I don’t drink.”  I had been leaning pretty heavy into the sauce at this stage in life but that was refreshing to hear and I shared that my roommate and good friend was also not a big drinker.  His response?  “Actually, I’ve never had a drink in my life.”  He then JUDGED ME WITH HIS EYES as I hurriedly sucked down my martini and ordered another.

Honestly, if his reaction to my having a drink with my dinner had been less shitty, I would not have become belligerent.  It is also important to note that sometimes gin makes me a nasty piece of work.  He went on to say that he thought drinking was an excuse to run away from problems and also a danger to one’s life as well as the lives of others.  To my face as I sipped a strong cocktail.  He also lamented people who didn’t follow their hearts, after I told him I was temping to make ends meet and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  Passion was so important to him, and that’s why he worked as a production assistant for the program Teletubbies.  In an attempt to make a joke, I said I admired his commitment to ambiguously gay puppets and he got all sanctimonious about the importance of children’s television.  The jury was in- this guy was a huge chode.  A dwarfy fucking chode.

The dinner proceeded and I got more drunk, mostly to antagonize this guy.  During the “common interests” portion of the evening, it was discovered that we shared a love of all things Batman, but for some reason I decided that I hated Batman because Dwarfy Chode liked him.  He wanted to talk about Star Wars.  I said Star Wars was the worst movie ever made and secretly begged Yoda for my forgiveness.  My most egregious lie was when I said Watchmen was my least favorite Alan Moore book.  The strangest part of the evening was not my behavior, but Dwarfy Chode’s reaction to it.  He kept encouraging the conversation and seemed to LIKE me.

After I finished eating and drinking my 4th martini, I abruptly got up, threw some money on the table and spat “this is boring, I’m gonna go” as I stalked out of the restaurant.  D. Chode followed me all the way to the train trying to restart our awful conversation.  When we entered the Union Square subway station I realized with horror that he was also going into the downtown NR platform.  Mid-stair, I made an about-face and drunkenly spurted that I actually needed to take the 4 train and ran off.

In short, not my finest moment.  I was really mean to this fellow.  Karma hit me hard in our next tale: In Which Our Heroine Gets Screwed Into Paying a Large Bar Tab, Sneaks Off Without Saying Goodbye.  Stay tuned!

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One Response to “Reenee, M.D.: Date Doctor”

  1. Nicole Says:

    “Did he think no one would notice??” Good work! Sorry about the chode.


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